My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
