Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
