My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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