I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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