I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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