I faked an abortion last night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
