I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
