A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
