and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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