I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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