Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
