My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
