Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
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He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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