I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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