He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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