hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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