woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
