I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
