Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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