guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she told me i tasted like america
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
