I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
