Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
