the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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