hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
