woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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