So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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