**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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