Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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