i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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