Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I want her autograph on my taint
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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