She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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