I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
