My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
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