All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
