i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
