Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
