she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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