so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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