I wish I could punch you in the face.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
