I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
OPIZZABONMYDICK
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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