I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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