I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Is it because I queefed?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
