i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
