god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize