i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
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I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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