i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
