he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
