At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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