She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
