your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
