how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
do nipples grow back?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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