It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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