I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
