I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
