if only i could text you this smell
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
