I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
