also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
