listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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